Power, control and why victims of domestic violence often cannot 'just leave'

Harmony House Outreach Coordinator Brigitte Walker wants people to stop questioning why victims of domestic violence "don't just leave" their abusers.

When she hears these sort of comments, Walker said she sees it as a teaching moment and an opportunity to increase community awareness. 

"You can't just leave without putting yourself at risk for severe harm or death," Walker said. "Domestic violence is different than a normal relationship."

When a person tries to leave, that is often a time when the abuse escalates as the abuser is desperate to make them stay, Walker said.

Unless the situation has escalated to the point where police are on hand, "just leaving" the abuser can be very dangerous.

It's important that the victim is emotionally ready to leave and has a safe place to go. (Find a personal safety plan guide at MyHarmonyHouse.org)

"You have to understand the (danger) of giving someone advice that is in this situation," Walker said. 

On the eve of iCare, Friday's community-wide campaign to raise awareness and funds for Harmony House, Walker sat down with the News-Leader to talk about domestic violence.

Using a "power and control" wheel — a diagram she created based in part off information from the book "Understanding the Nature and Dynamics of Domestic Violence" — Walker explained the different types of abuse, control tactics and how best to help someone in an abusive relationship. 

The power and control diagram is a common tool used to educate victims of domestic violence about what is happening, that their relationship is not normal or healthy and that they are not to blame or crazy, despite what their abuser may say.

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Types of abuse

Psychological abuse is the foundation of all other types of abuse. It can include verbal attacks, mind games, threats, the abuser is "always right" and ignores the victim's feelings, Walker said.

The abuser may deny the abuse occurred, minimize or rationalize what happened or try to place responsibility on the victim. Abusers often use "gaslighting," manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity.

Economic abuse can come in many forms and be on opposite ends of the spectrum, so to speak, Walker explained. 

"You can have someone that spends all the money or you can have someone that controls all the money," she said. "But either way, it's control."

If the abuser refuses to work, the victim may have to work two jobs and scramble to pay all the bills.

Or the abuser might not let their spouse have a job and not allow them access to the money.

Often times there are evictions and credit is ruined, which can make leaving even more difficult, Walker said. 

This sort of stress can wear victims down, making them easier to control and manipulate.

Sexual abuse often includes extreme jealousy, forced sex, violent sex and anything the victim is not comfortable with. Also, controlling birth control (not allowing the victim to use birth control, poking holes in condoms) is a form of sexual abuse. 

Sexually transmitted diseases can come into play, Walker said. Sometimes the abuser doesn't disclose they have an STD.

"Which is then a way to keep them in the relationship because, 'No one else will want you,'" Walker added. 

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Physical abuse — pushing, hitting, kicking, choking — is what most people think of when it comes to domestic violence, Walker said. The abuser might lock the victim out of the house or withhold medicine and food. 

"But the less obvious things are like driving reckless, which is psychological and physical," she said. "It makes a person fear for their safety."

Walker said reckless driving is a fairly common type of physical abuse. 

"People say, 'Well, I don't think they would kill me.' I tell them they don't have to do it on purpose," she said. "I try to get clients and people to understand that is doesn't have to be intentional. They don't have to be a monster to accidentally go a little bit too far."

Disrupting (or preventing) meals and sleep is a common type of physical abuse that wears victims down and makes them easier to control. 

Legal abuse happens anytime the abuser lies to police or other legal entities to hurt or control the victim. 

For example, when police are called, abusers might claim to be the victim. Abusers will lie on ex parte orders, file cross petitions and lie in family court to get custody, Walker said. 

"A lot of times abusers will spin things around (in court) and make the victim out like they won't cooperate," she said. "But actually it's the abuser who won't cooperate."

Legal abuse can also be forcing the victim to break the law or drop charges.

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Control tactics

By definition, domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.

Here are the common ways an abuser controls and maintains power over their partner. 

Isolation: If someone is isolated — if they have limited resources or contact with family and friends — they are easier to control, Walker said. 

Abusers will often criticize family and friends to the point where the victim will self-isolate just to avoid a fight. 

"Then that can be confusing because sometimes they don't even realize they are doing it," Walker said. "It's manipulation."

Also, keeping the victim busy (with chores or work) limits their time and further isolates them from those who might offer support.

MORE:Greene County judge to create domestic violence court

Property and pets: Walker said abusers often destroy property. And it's usually either expensive property or items of sentimental value to the victims.

Abusers will threaten to harm pets and, unfortunately, often follow through with those threats if the person tries to leave, she said. 

Stalking: Abusers will stalk the victim's house, car or work.

According to Walker, technology has given abusers even more ways to stalk their partners.

Abusers might put a GPS tracker on their vehicle or monitor the partner's phone, email and social media.

Relationships: Abusers may try to discredit the character of their victims to friends and family. They may spread rumors or distort information, Walker said. 

They may say the victim is a liar, is crazy or that the victim is actually the abuser.

Often times the abuser will gain access to the victim's phone or computer and send messages to friends and family, posing as the victim. Walker said she has received messages from clients' accounts and suspected it was actually from the abuser.

"I'm like, 'That's not my client,'" Walker said. "All I say is 'call me,' and I won't say anything else because that's not my client."

Abusers may obtain access to the kids' phones and accounts and send messages to the victim, Walker said. 

These tactics can further isolate the victim and make it difficult for law enforcement to determine who is telling the truth, Walker said. 

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Children: Sadly, children are often used to maintain control in abusive relationships, Walker said.

Kids may be punished to hurt the victim. If the couple is separated, kids are often used as spies.

Abusers might actually take the kids or threaten to take the kids in family court.

"Unfortunately that is not an empty threat," Walker said. "It specifically says in the law that someone being an abuser doesn't prevent them from having custody or even primary custody. There is no sort of protection there in family court."

How to help

When Walker was done explaining about the different types of abuse and the control tactics, she ran her finger around the diagram.

When all or most of these things are happening in a victim's life, Walker said, it's really difficult to just pack up and leave. It can also very dangerous, as the abuser has put a lot of time, energy and effort into establishing control over their spouse.

"They are obviously not going to just let the person go," she said.

Rather than telling a victim to "just leave," Walker suggested being supportive and direct them to professional resources and help, like from the staff at Harmony House.

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Harmony House is Greene County's only shelter for victims of domestic violence and their children. Harmony House accepts men, too. 

In addition to providing a safe place to stay, Harmony House also offers free counseling, case management and education for people who have not yet left the relationship or have left, but did not need to move into the shelter.

Harmony House outreach staff, like Walker, can help victims create a plan to leave the relationship.

Walker suggested giving the person information about Harmony House, sitting with them while they call and being available if the person needs a ride to the shelter.

MORE: Family Justice Center is open; survivor shares her story at ribbon cutting

Walker offered these tips for approaching the topic with someone you suspect is being abused: 

• Address the behavior you are seeing in a nonjudgmental way. Ask questions and listen. Refrain from telling them what their relationship is or from saying negative things about their partner. Focus on behaviors, not the relationship or their partner.
• Leave the conversation open. If they don't seem interested in talking about their relationship at the time, let them know you are available to talk later if they change their mind. Don't try to address everything in one conversation.
• Try to stay as connected as possible. Check in with them. Make plans if possible. 

Harmony House's 24-hour hotline is 417-864-7233 or 800-831-6863. It is located at 3404 E. Ridgeview. The website is www.myharmonyhouse.org. And staff is very responsive to Facebook messages. 

Find more resources on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at www.thehotline.org. The national hotline is 1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY).